And then we were four

There is an overwhelming feeling of connection and community I feel for my fellow orphans.  Even though, up to this point I have had a few brief conversations, text messages and visits with each of them  I cannot imagine going back to how it was before.  I can’t say that I know any of them well,  but also I know them in a very intimate way too.  The shared loss and fears we’ve all felt connects us more than many decades old friendships can.  

Connecting with my orphan siblings, has been a process that runs through so many emotions that I still cannot fully explain the impact it has had on me.  Reaching out to people and praying for an affirmative reply that could come at any moment is tough.  

Sometimes the reply came quick, in a matter of days.  In most cases when a reply did come it took time.  Each one with its own unique set of questions and answers.  Some people would ask me questions about our story to see how much I knew. My ability to answer the questions correctly pre that I was legitimately someone from their past. Other seemed to accept it and jump in feet first.

My dream is to have connections and relationships with all of my brothers and sisters, purely out of my selfish desires to feel good about myself.   I feel that my healing process and thus my own internal self loathing will, in some way, be mitigated when I know we all have each other.  

Will it happen? Probably not, some people aren’t ready or interested. Some of the replies I received were short statements like, “wow, yeah that’s me. I was on that plane.” and then nothing else…broken radio levels of silence.  I took those times really hard.  I would feel like I did something wrong and that I was in trouble.  For weeks an ominous cloud would hang over me, telling me this was stupid and a mistake I would eventually pay for. I heard recently that feeling like that I’m in trouble for no real reason. Is an ADHD trait.  So that tracks.  

It was the unfortunately less common reply in the affirmative that lead to conversation and communication.  My first back and forth with Kouy has stuck with me.  I reached out to her and didn’t hear back for a couple of weeks, maybe more.  

When she did respond, it was near midnight the night before we were leaving on trip south to spend Christmas with family.  It stands out to me because as I read her message, I felt like the whole world was silent and the only thing happening was our conversation. The works she wrote were honest and vulnerable, speaking to how I’d been feeling since I started this journey.  Maybe it was the still of the night, or maybe I was feeling sentimental, but I could tell that Kouy and I were immediately family.  

Kouy and her family joined us the evening after John and Christal arrived.  Her husband Ken, daughter Lyra (named after the main character from my favorite book series), her father Ron, stepmother Kathy and family friends Dane and Tessie. 

Tree took us to the Phnom Penh stadium that mostly serves as an exercise location.  People walk its perimeter, do organized dance exercises classes, and play all sorts of sports.  

We then walked down toward the river where we would catch the boat.  Tree told us that every weekend the police block off certain streets and the city comes out for a weekend river walk party.   It was quite a sight seemingly the whole town out and having a good time.  

As a group of 15, it was inevitable that some people would walk up near the front with Tree and others would walk towards the back.  

Without trying John, Christal, Kouy and I ended up walking in a line across the back.  Looking across I almost started crying to see the four of us together in one place in one field of view.

Did I cry?…No.  

The first sign that I had that this trip was going to be something special  was during the Mekong River cruise.  I think Tree was going to point out some of the city landmarks as we floated around.  But our reunion has other ideas.  

We had the boat to ourselves and could have set up just about anywhere but most of us ended up sitting at a table where Ron, Kouy’s father was sitting.  It almost felt like the Star Wars scroll at the beginning of the movie that sets up the rest of the film.  Ron started telling us stories of your adoptions and foster families, the court cases and ultimately how we ended up staying with our placement families.  (That’s a whole other story for a different time). 

Ron made it possible for us to all start this journey with the same baseline.  True we didn’t know what to expect and we didn’t know how we would react to all that was headed our way.  

I do not think it is hyperbole to say that we were all about to face demons from a shared past we don’t remember.  

(Insert blog post: Healing is a Community Process here)